How Letting Go Can Allow You to Take Back Control
“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than hanging on.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Let it go
One of the hardest things in life we are ever asked to do is to let go of something that we want.
As adolescents we hold on to the things that brought us security in childhood: our favorite ratty blanket or our belief in Santa Claus. As we age we try to hold onto our youth even as we slow down and face the wrinkles in the mirror.
When life is good, we naturally cling tightly to the aspects that make us feel safe and happy…
We want our marriage to stay strong.
We want our parents to remain healthy and active.
We want our children to stay at the perfect sweet age (which changes constantly) and within our fold.
We want our childhood dreams to come true.
We want the best job and the perfect house.
We want everyone to like us.
We want… We want… We want…
As hard as we try, we cannot hold on to everything we want forever. The burden becomes too heavy. Things change. For everything there is a season. We have to let go of old things to make room to take on new things.
What can we let go of?
Letting go is hard, but believe me when I say that it can ultimately lead to lightness, relief and even gratitude.
Have you heard the story about the guy who panicked because his hand was stuck inside of a pickle jar? He was holding the pickle too tightly. As soon as he let go of the pickle his hand easily slid right out. (That’s a real story, right?)
Stay with me and let’s bring it into context. During my 40’s I was holding on to life’s blessings pretty tightly, like the pickles in the jar. I believed I was living the life I wanted for myself, but really I was overextended, spread too thin. I tried to be everything to everyone. I couldn’t say the word no, even when I should have.
I became a hoarder of my gifts and stayed under the radar so that no one would notice and try to take them away from me. The greater my fear I would lose them, the tighter I held on: My marriage, my kids, my parents, my health, my security.
And then one by one they began to slip from my grasp and ushered me into some dark days that turned into months.
But during those times I learned some valuable lessons and took away some practical strategies that have made my life lighter. Read on to see if they can help you, too.
Beautiful friend, sometimes letting go can allow you to actually take back control of your life.
Let go of Expectations
You had a plan. You had a vision, a picture of what you thought your life would look like at this point. Right?
Now, for whatever reason, that picture has not come to be the reality you expected. You haven’t achieved all of the goals you set. You are still looking for the groom to go on the top of your cake. The job you took as a stepping stone to something greater has somehow become your career. Or maybe it was the expectations that someone else placed on you that dictated your vision, like your parents or a spouse or a mentor.
Regardless, if you continue to compare your current situation with the picture that was painted for you, you increase your chances of feeling inadequate, like you will never reach the bar that has been set.
Why would you keep doing that?
You are not serving yourself or respecting the amazing potential that lives within you. This is a disservice to you and deprives everyone around you from what you have to offer the world.
TAKE CONTROL by giving yourself permission to create a new vision and dream a new dream. In the story of your life you hold the pen and can rewrite this chapter however you want.
You have the power to add new scenery, characters and plotlines. Change the narrative and set new goals. Retitle this your amazing second act and flip the script.
Let go of the expectations you felt before and pick up that pen. Begin to write a new story that brings you joy, fulfillment and success.
Let go of Baggage
Shame. Guilt. Past mistakes. Girl, these are some heavy burdens to carry around with you. Trust me, I hauled them around for a long time, too. They are crippling. They leave scars that cause you to second guess your decisions and feel insecure about the choices you make.
The past is the past. Leave it there.
We are not the sum of choices we made or the mistakes we made. We are so much more. Every one of us has made a few poor calls and said things that we wish we could take back.
Unfortunately there is no easy little do-over button in life. We simply have to learn from our experiences and use those lessons to do better next time. We need to adjust our sails when the wind picks up.
We are stronger than we believe and braver than we think.
TAKE CONTROL by affirming yourself daily. At least once a day read a positive affirmation out loud to train your mind into accepting them as truths. Tell yourself repeatedly how strong, resilient and capable you are. Let those words sink in until they feel natural.
Allow yourself the grace to make mistakes and reassure your mind that you are doing your best.
Forgive your past self for decisions you made when you were younger and knew less than you do today.
Treat life as a classroom. Listen, learn and apply. Forgive. Lighten up. Move on.
Let go of Stress
I know, this is much easier said than done, right? But even if you know that it’s going to be a challenge ahead of time, it’s so worth the effort to try.
Stress can eat away at your emotional, mental and physical well being. It comes at us from all directions. Of course, stress can be caused by concern over our loved ones, which is completely reasonable, but it can also come from worrying about things that have not even happened yet.
Are you an empath? I tend to be one, but my daughter is even more gifted in this area. In addition to our own stress, we can take on the vibes of those we connect with, as well. Sound familiar? As generous women, being empathetic and altruistic are wonderful characteristics, but it can also add to the load we are already carrying.
Check in on what you are stressing over. Are you overextending yourself? Spreading yourself too thin? Trying to please everyone but yourself? Worrying about things that are slightly beyond reasonable?
The good news is that these are all stressors that we can take wield some power over.
TAKE CONTROL of your self-care. Put yourself first for a change. What do you feel like you need in this moment?
Carve out time specifically to nourish your mental and emotional well-being.
There is no one-size-fits-all prescription here. Determine what self-care means to you and how you can nurture it.
Consider these:
Meditate in a quiet space.
Take a Yoga or Tai-chi class.
Walk in the woods or through the city with your favorite music in your earbuds.
Immerse yourself in warm water surrounded by candles and scents that calm your spirit.
Volunteer at a dog shelter.
Rock babies in your local hospital NICU.
Write your feelings down in a gratitude journal.
Cuddle up in a blanket on the couch and binge Netflix. (occasionally!)
Tend to a flower or vegetable garden.
Tell Alexa to turn up the music and dance in your living room.
Curl up with a great book.
Call your mom (if you’re fortunate enough to still have her) and talk for 30 minutes.
Color a meditative coloring page.
Snuggle with your pet.
Sit in a sunbeam.
Paint a picture on canvas.
Sculpt a figure out of clay.
Rearrange your bedroom furniture.
Here’s a big one: Learn to say “no” to things that don’t serve or fulfill you. Assert yourself and don’t allow your generosity to be taken advantage of.
On the flip side, say “yes” to things that bring you joy, peace and fill your sense of purpose.
Let go of Past Transgressions
Yep. They hurt you. They let you down. They betrayed you.
People are fallible. They are imperfect. And sometimes they are just assholes.
It does not serve you to allow their actions to cause you to become embittered, to let them damage you permanently.
It’s an easy trap to fall into, and it’s important to feel the pain temporarily, but then you have to focus on finding your way out of it.
Their behavior does not have to influence the person you can move on to become.
What they did may leave scars on your heart, but remember that scar tissue is tougher than regular tissue.
TAKE CONTROL Forgive them. They may be sorry. They may not be sorry. They may not even realize the damage they did to you. It doesn’t matter.
This is about you.
When you forgive someone for hurting you, it is YOU who gets set free.
Someone once said that holding back forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It doesn’t work like that. If you are drinking that poison, you will reap the negative effects. Stop it. Now.
Write a letter. Send a text. Record a message. Think it in your head. Forgive them in your heart and set yourself free.
Let go of Negativity
Living in a negative atmosphere is like painting over your beautiful world with a dirty paintbrush. It dulls the beauty and happiness that is meant for you to enjoy.
Negativity comes in all forms and it can be insidious; You may not even realize it’s there as you become complacent to its effect.
Is there someone close to you that constantly complains or seems to take pleasure in pointing out the flaws of others? Does a coworker love to share the latest gossip at the office with you, or whomever is in earshot? Is Aunt Mary always dissatisfied with the service at any restaurant?
Some people are just more tuned into what is wrong instead of what is right.
A negative outlook creates a dark cloud over our relationships and unfortunately it tends to be contagious. As you listen to a negative conversation, without even realizing it your attention is unconsciously drawn to the things that are wrong with your circumstances and your mind magnifies them.
Before you know it, you are caught up in the game of finding the flaws in people, places and situations because it’s easy. It’s comfortable for others. It becomes a habit that is difficult to extract yourself from.
But you can.
TAKE CONTROL of your mindset. Cultivate positive habits like looking for the bright side of situations and seeking out the best in people.
Be the light of your environment. Keep your comments positive and solution-minded. Assume positive intent.
You don’t need to be Perfect Pollyanna, but you can be the one who highlights the positive and reminds others that there truly is a lot of good in the world.
Don’t allow yourself get caught up in exchanges that constantly turn negative or gossipy or complaint-driven.
Take inventory of your personal social circles. Do they lift each other up and find the good around them? Or do they focus the majority of their talk on the woes of the world and the flaws of others?
Check in on how you feel during these conversations: Uplifted or uncomfortable? If you find yourself leaning toward the latter, this may mean that you have to remove yourself from certain circles. If their influence is toxic, and not contributing to a better you, then it is not worth your time to be there.
I know that it can be scary to step away from established acquaintances, but trust me, you are better off alone than taking in their toxicity. And if you are actively seeking out the best in people, you will find better ones anyway.
Let go of What You Cannot Change
As hard as we try, we cannot mold our world into a perfect place all the time or make other people be what we want them to be.
Life happens. People are imperfect.
As much control as we try to wield, there will always be aspects of our environment that cannot be changed. It’s imperative that we keep ourselves from sliding down the slippery slope of dwelling on those conditions.
My mom, who was diagnosed with MS at 35, had a small plaque on her dresser inscribed with The Serenity Prayer. The first line is “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
She could not change her diagnosis, but she could use it to propel her mindset to another level, which she did. She embraced positivity in a way that could not be contained. She infused everyone she met with her bright spirit and can-do attitude. If she physically could not do something, she was a master at pursuading someone else to do it for her.
She made me understand the meaning of gratitude and wanting to be a better person, embracing the gifts that I had rather than lamenting over the things I did not have.
When I lost both of my parents a few years ago I spiraled out of control for a while. In addition to the grief and loss I felt, I struggled to accept the fact that I lacked the ability to fix them. And I couldn’t bring them back. There is a terrible level of frustration, anger and grief that comes with the feeling of such helplessness.
Sometimes things happen in life that we cannot change. Marriages end, illnesses happen, promotions don’t pan out, dreams take left turns.
We have all had things happen to us that we did not ask for, right? Of course. We all have.
It’s called life.
TAKE CONTROL by surrendering. I don’t mean give up. I mean that when uncontrollable events occur in your existence accept that the situation cannot be changed with the wave of a magic wand or by any other means you may wish for. Stop banging your head against the wall believing that you are the one who has to fix it.
Let it go.
It’s real, now let’s deal with it. What are the next steps you can take to keep moving forward?
Believe me, I fought for my marriage and for the best health care for my parents, and will continue to advocate for my own health and the well being of my children.
But at the end of the day I have to accept that there are parts of life I can control, and parts that I cannot. And then there are countless things I can have influence over.
It’s my job to figure out what part I can play in making the absolute best of whatever situation I have been faced with.
If you are a believer in a Higher Power, lean into your faith. I believe that God held me in the palm of his hand throughout every adversity I went through. He didn’t keep bad things from happening in my life, but he held me as I went through them.
He also made sure that once I made it to the other side of it I was able to find happiness and love again.
Dear friend, find what brings you comfort and peace and cling to it for as long as you need to. Focus on those aspects of your life that fall within your dominion and release the rest.
One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot control.
The remaining lines of The Serenity Prayer on my mom’s dresser are, “(God grant me) the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
We were given the ability to decipher what is permanent and what is changeable in our lives; To analyze each aspect and decide which things we need to buckle up and get through, and which things we can take control of and change for the better.
Are you holding on to things that no longer benefit you? Are you holding on tighter than you should?
Learning to let go of the things that weigh us down is essential to the state of our well-being.
Comment below if you have some advice that you can share with the rest of us.
You have the power to remove your hand from the pickle jar if you will just let go. In return you will take back the control that you need to take charge of your life and get it back on track.
You, my beautiful friend, can do this.
You have all the serenity, the courage and the wisdom you need.
You are positively limitless.
