7 Strategies for Moving On After A Midlife Divorce
I am grateful for my struggles, because without them I would not have stumbled across my strengths.” ~Unknown
When I said “I do” I meant that I did forever. You too?
When we got married at 20, we thought we knew everything. We had it all figured out and believed that our parents (who were rightly concerned about this lifelong commitment we were making at such a young age) simply ‘didn’t understand’ our love. So we set out to create a marriage that would prove them wrong and create a beautiful life together.
And for 25 years we did.
But one day it ended. And at 45 my life took a turn into completely uncharted territory.
Divorce in Midlife
Divorce rocks your foundation like nothing else. Am I right?
You had a plan. You made a promise. You saw a certain picture of the future in front of you.
And then that picture was shattered.
But the pain of divorce doesn’t define your worth. You have the strength to move forward and create a beautiful new chapter of your life.
While divorce may be universal, it affects each one of us differently. We see things through a unique lens, which colors our reality and guides us to the other side of the storm we find ourselves in.
And when those storms hit we try to adjust our sails with our own particular technique based on our personal experiences, upbringings, beliefs and circle of support.
The pain of divorce sets us on a path of grief, similar to the pain of death. If you think about it, divorce is the death of a critical relationship or the end of the version of what you thought your life would be. There is a grieving period following the death of anything that is important to us.
Psychologists have identified 7 Stages of Grief that we experience, and created a map for the journey that you need to go through to get to the other side of it.
But beautiful friend, grief is just a season, not a life sentence. It can visit, but don’t let it move in. Don’t allow it to hold you back from moving forward.
Divorce is not the end of your life; it is a new beginning. By embracing the journey you can find a new path to a beautiful future.
The good news here is that a midlife divorce can make you stronger. There is tremendous potential locked up inside of you that only the independence of divorce can bring to the surface. By standing tall on your own two feet, you can learn to spread your wings wider than you ever have before.
How do I know?
Just like you, the heartbreak and disillusionment of divorce struck me in midlife.
Just like you, I have had to navigate myself through some storms.
Just like you, I have had to pick myself up off of the bathroom floor and start again.
When my marriage suddenly ended in my mid-40’s I felt loss and fear like no other event before or since. I thought the 30-year love story we had created together was meant for life, but suddenly everything turned upside down. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fix it, and my future became completely unclear, unpredictable, and uncertain.
The fear of the unknown is sometimes the worst fear of all because you cannot adequately prepare for it. There wasn’t a handbook to read or a list I could create to walk me through it.
But time is a healer, especially when it is mixed with acceptance, forgiveness and a positive mindset.
Eventually, I began to heal and move on. One day at a time.
Since then my future has taken an entirely new direction which was unexpected, wide open, and exciting.
I am now happily married to a wonderful man who makes me feel loved and grounded. My girls are growing into beautiful young adults who have been refined by the fire they walked through. I pray every day it will work for their good to make them stronger and more resilient.
I try to learn from my missteps of the past and not repeat the same patterns of my last relationship.
I am here to tell you that you can get through the heartbreak of divorce, too. You have the strength to navigate yourself through this storm of life, and I want to help guide you by sharing the 7 strategies that helped me.
How Can You Move on After a Midlife Divorce?
Accept the past and look ahead.
Once the final papers are signed, the action is done. It is now in the past and it cannot be erased. Unless you have stumbled across an elusive time machine, there is nothing that can be done to change what has already happened. Acknowledge it. Name it. Accept it.
Now, you can move forward. As you continue your journey down the road of life, that event is in your rearview mirror. But your rearview is tiny, and what’s behind you is moving away and getting smaller, right?
Look through your windshield! There’s a reason it is much bigger than the rearview mirror. What’s in front of you is so much more important than what is behind you. The road you are traveling is wide open and there are infinite possibilities ahead.
Girl, life is a highway, and YOU are in the driver’s seat. YOU are the one operating the vehicle and YOU have the power to steer it in any direction you choose.
Enough of my driving analogy. But it makes sense, right?
Your past is behind you. It is what it is. Dwelling on it for too long you can get stuck. Your future is lying ahead of you and waiting for you to take it in the direction of your choice.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Divorce is sad. It’s scary and heartbreaking and crushing. Sometimes you may feel anger, guilt, denial, or possibly even relief. Countless emotions cycle through your mind and heart on any given day (or sometimes any given hour).
There is no rule book for which emotions you should feel or the time frame that you can allow them to enter in. Feelings aren’t good or bad. They just are.
Acknowledge them. Name them. These are the first steps to productively dealing with the feelings and letting them run their course.
I know, actively facing your feelings is hard. It hurts and it sucks. But it’s a necessary part of the healing process.
Grieve. Cry. Talk it out with your support people. Remember that this is a chapter of your story, not the whole book. Don’t let grief drown you or condemn you to a life of bitterness.
Allow yourself an appropriate amount of time (which is unique to each person) and deal with your feelings head-on. Your reward for this hard work will be your readiness to pick yourself back up and move ahead and the sense of resilience you will wear like a badge of honor.
Let it go.
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. You’ve heard that before, right?
While we may not be able to control everything that happens to us in life, the way we choose to handle it makes all the difference. We have the power to choose our reaction. We decide what we do and say about it. We can allow it to influence the way we treat others and the way we treat ourselves.
We can let a divorce consume us and make us angry and bitter. Or we can allow it to refine us and make us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate to others.
Think of it this way: Every time you choose to hold onto something painful and heavy you put it into a metaphorical bag that you carry around:
A disappointment bag.
A regret bag.
A guilt bag.
All this heavy baggage will eventually weigh you down and can even hold you back.
Imagine showing up at the airport for an amazing trip carrying 27 suitcases. Can you imagine the stress you’d feel? You couldn’t afford to fly. You’d be stuck, left behind. You’d miss out on what could have been if only you had traveled lighter.
Girl, stop hauling all of this baggage around with you! Put it down and let it go.
How? Stop talking about it. Stop reliving it. Write it down on a piece of paper and burn it. Make a conscious effort to put it behind you.
Don’t let it weigh too heavily in your present, and certainly don’t haul it with you into your future.
One of the most courageous things you can do is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.
I know what you’re thinking, “Tracy, this is much easier said than done.” And you’re right. It is. But trust me, it’s sooo worth the effort to try.
Lean on your tribe.
For a while you may simply want to hole up on the couch or burrow deep under the covers in your bedroom and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist.
Believe me, I’ve been there.
It’s okay. Take a little time to soothe your wounds in your protected space and grieve the loss you feel.
But at some point, you’ll need to resurface and allow some close friends into your life again. You need them.
Identify the members of your tribe and let them in. Answer the phone or open the door and let them be there for you.
The people who love you want to help, but they don’t always know how. Take the lead and decide what it is that you need at the moment.
Do you want advice or just someone to listen? Are you ready to venture out to a movie, or would you just like someone to sit with you while you cry?
Sometimes a support group of people who actually know your pain personally can be a helpful resource. It can be comforting to have other people in the same boat with you while you steer your way through it together.
Spiritual leaders or groups within your church that have an inspirational outlook that vibes with your beliefs can be reassuring.
Therapists or other routes of professional help may be necessary if you are struggling to find a way out of the darkness on your own. You can access them online or sit down with them face-to-face.
Find your people and let them in. They are out there waiting for you.
Cherish the good memories.
It’s easy to dwell on the memories of our past that were painful, but it hurts. It’s like poking a bruise. Why do we do that?
The bad times invoke powerful reactions in us. They fight for attention in our brains and slip into our thoughts without invitation. They lurk in the corners of our minds waiting for a trigger to be pulled by a word, a sight, or even a smell that opens the door to a flashback.
Again, you have some control here. You can reframe your memories and highlight the positive aspects of them. You can train your mind to focus on the good times and the positive qualities of the person or relationship that you have lost.
If you practice reaching for the bright spots and happy memories, over time it becomes easier to access them. They become sweeter, and more readily available.
One of my favorite doctors is quoted as saying, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Okay, that doctor may have been Dr. Seuss, but he’s spot-on, right?
Honor your memories. Celebrate the ones that bring you joy. Frame happy pictures in your personal space that make you smile. Talk about the good times with other people who shared them with you.
Appreciating the joyful moments in your life will bring more joy to you.
Pro tip: Still have your wedding ring? Get rid of it if it still triggers sadness. Give it away or pawn it. Who needs that visual trigger? Let it go. Next!!
Find the lesson.
Everything in life holds a lesson for us if we choose to see it, even divorce.
Failure is just feedback. Learn from it.
Look back at your painful experience through the lens of a lesson and ask yourself:
What did it teach me?
What did I learn about myself?
How have I grown as a human being?
What will I do differently in the future because of this?
It may take some time and healing to gain this kind of analytical perspective, but after some time has passed, and some healing has begun, think about these questions and reframe the experience through a learning mode. Write it down in your journal or talk it out with a confidant.
Experience can lead us to wisdom. Wisdom leads to transformation.
By working through this adversity mentally and emotionally, you will have developed another new skill for your arsenal.
How can you apply it moving forward? How can you use it to help/support other people going through a similar pain?
One of the gifts of midlife is the ability to glean knowledge from life experiences and then share that wisdom with your tribe or even a new generation of women.
So claim the lessons you learned from your divorce and share them with others.
Focus on your future self.
Now it’s time to think forward. Focus on your future self and help that girl out.
Visualize yourself down the road - 6 months or a year - into the future.
Where do you want her to be?
How do you want her to feel?
How has she grown and blossomed?
How can she reflect the healing and wisdom she has gained through this experience and perhaps even bestow that gift to others?
Picture her. See her as a cherished friend you love and want the best for. You don’t want to see this beautiful girl with a cloud of past pain and grief still lingering over her head, right? Right!
This beautiful girl should be bathed in glorious light and shining brightly from the inside. You want to see her embracing the joy and opportunities of her present life without the dark clouds of the past moving in to steal her sunshine. She should be surrounded by love and embracing new possibilities, eyes wide open and her face to the sun.
So… What do you need to do to get her there? What does she need from you right now? How can you lay the groundwork for her?
Help a girl out! Pour all of your love into her, just like you would your best friend or favorite sister. Set her up for happiness and success. Instill confidence and hope. Decide what seeds to plant in her heart and mind today that will grow and blossom over time and result in a beautiful life for her in the future.
See that girl strong, smiling, and stepping into her fullest potential.
You will thank your past self when you get there.
Move Forward and Create a Beautiful Future
Divorce can touch even the most charmed life at some point, even during our midlife years. But it’s good to know that we don’t have to stay stuck in pain. We can move through it and use the lessons we’ve learned to create a life that is even more fulfilling than it was before.
These strategies can help you move forward toward the greatest part of your life.
Accept the past as the past and leave it there. Look ahead.
Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, but remember it’s only a season.
Stop carrying the baggage that weighs you down. Let it go.
Cherish the good memories and release the painful ones.
Rely on your tribe for love and support. Let them in.
Find the lesson you were meant to learn. Share it.
Focus on the healed future version of YOU and make her become your reality.
Beautiful girl, you are resilient, strong and unstoppable. You can handle anything you put your mind to. Your incredible life on the other side of this adversity is waiting for you.
Your future is a blank canvas and you, my friend, are the artist. There is beauty in those ashes you have collected. Use them to paint a new picture of a future filled with every color of the rainbow.
You can and you will because you are positively limitless.
